Build Her a Cake or Something

Cake Closed

2007-12-16T21:23:00.001-05:00

no, seriously

As we start to settle into aught eight, and adjust to a new reality (maybe that's overstating it, but I feel different after That Speech), it's time to bid adieu to an old friend. Not somebody who was always there for you. Or one you could borrow money from when times were tight. But a guy who bought you a few beers, told some decent jokes and always marched to the beat of his own drummer.

That's right friends, I have a terminal disease.

Actually I don't, but I am 'sploding the Cake.

It served its purpose for a while, but Sumner forced me to neglect it -- leading to its ultimate demise.

Never fear, I'm leaving on two high notes.

-Hope springs eternal
-A little after the fact, but still in advance of Pazz and Jop, dj applesauce's Top 25 of 2007 (rank-ordered)

I'll see you motherfuckers in the future.

1/ Radiohead - In Rainbows
2/ Elvis Perkins - Ash Wednesday
3/ M.I.A. - Kala
4/ Amy Winehouse - Back to Black
5/ Interpol - Our Love to Admire
6/ The Shins - Wincing the Night Away
7/ Lil Wayne - Da Drought 3
8/ Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
9/ Spoon - GaGaGaGaGa
10/ Mark Ronson - Version
11/ Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
12/ Beirut - The Flying Club Cup
13/ Feist - The Reminder
14/ Jay-Z - American Gangster
15/ Papercuts - Can't Go Back
16/ Kanye West - Graduation
17/ Band of Horses - Cease to Begin
18/ Bonde Do Role - With Lasers
19/ Common - Finding Forever
20/ Minus the Bear - Planet of Ice
21/ Ghostface Killah - Big Doe Rehab
22/ Cass McCombs - Dropping the Writ
23/ UGK - UGK
24/ Pharoahe Monch - Desire
25/ The National - Boxer

I Haven't Heard from You in a While - How You Doing?

2006-11-22T13:14:00.000-05:00

Two songs (1, 2 -- thanks, dude) are profoundly affecting my life right now. Make that three.

Also:

Kathryn Johnston, 92, is (was?) a FUCKING GANGSTER! Don't mean to make light of the situation, but this is a bit nuts.
It's about time somebody started looking out for us white folks.
Hot topic -- again, race related -- at UCLA right now.

Catching Up

2006-11-21T18:02:00.000-05:00

In the last month I've...

Masqueraded as Borat
Mocked people openly
Seen two Bears' wins
Witnessed Kevin Smith passed out sleeping on the floor

No lie.

Marginally Inappropriate

2006-10-11T09:56:00.000-04:00

If this is anybody but Dave Letterman, you're stealing my bit! Great idea. Fucking hilarious.

Well, Not Quite, But...

2006-10-09T22:28:00.000-04:00

I'm first to admit that it's been slow going here at the Cake Factory. My staff abandoned me. Overhead tripled. Stinkin' kids are always crying, "we haven't eaten all week." And there are other things -- which happen at night, in the dark, while I'm indisposed -- that I can't comment on. But I've got a moment here, so imma catch up on lost time:

Happy birthday (yesterday), Greasy Kid!
This happen a while ago, but I'm just as fascinated with it now as I was then. This is fucking brilliant! Note to self: meet Corbin Bernsen.
Harcore political analysis and group sex? Sign me up.
The new TV on the Radio is incredibly addictive. "Wolf Like Me" is blowing up my playlist something wicked.
Most won't appreciate this clip, but if it connects with even just one netizen, I've done my job.
Speaking of my job -- there's a crazy story behind this episode, ask me about it sometime. I know it doesn't take much to make Grease cry, but I got him on this one. It's related to this.
I think this may happen to Alex at the Woodies.
Just because.

Whoo Whoo

2006-09-23T01:57:00.000-04:00

In a big way.

The Tubes are Making Rock Stars

2006-08-24T21:12:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's just because I'm professionally connected to this whole big bowl of strawberry jello, but I'm fascinated by viral video success stories. Here's one of the latest, and it's remarkable even for YouTube, which cranks out several a week.

Fallout

2006-07-17T20:12:00.000-04:00

It's like the Simpson's episode where Homer takes the cannonball in the belly -- I could just watch this happen again and again. It's always funny.

Muito Brasil

2006-06-24T12:26:00.000-04:00

Where futbol is life.

W.A.T.G. XXIII

2006-06-15T22:08:00.000-04:00

"I Will Fight You"

2006-05-30T16:05:00.000-04:00

FAN-tastic.

W.A.T.G. XXII

2006-05-18T11:44:00.000-04:00

Bigger than Guns, Bigger than Cigarettes

2006-05-17T07:31:00.000-04:00

Check Slug on our show "Backstage Pass," speaking on the midweezer, Rhymesayers and still chomping about how Atmos doesn't have groupies. Also, peep their latest vid: "Say Hey There (Gotta Go to Mexico)" windows / mac.

BTW, what the fuck is up with dude's hair? Carlos: easy.

Some Days You Eat the Bear

2006-05-16T15:14:00.000-04:00

And some days the bear eats you.

I'll Throw it Down Your Throat Like..

2006-05-15T22:18:00.000-04:00

"Crazy" (windows / mac / download): Internet meme? In case you've been living in a cave, here's the backstory.

Also, unencumbered pancakes = blogging fool.

Drug Dens for Internet Addicts

2006-05-15T15:49:00.000-04:00

Those wacky Tokyoians are at it again! Interesting stuff. And for the record, I'm all for a place where you can plug in, pour through media, smoke cigs and fuck -- all for 10 bucks!

Can't Make this Stuff Up Dept.

2006-05-12T19:09:00.000-04:00

So this guy Tommy cuts my hair. He’s Ramones-esque, been rocking out in NY for several decades, lives life on his terms, looks like he’s palled around with heroin before – good people. We bullshit all the time while he’s trimming me up. He calls me “Mr. MTV big shot” and knows I’m a life long hip hop fan.

I was completely unprepared for the story he laid on me the other night.

Tommy: Did I tell you about my hip hop faker moment? This crazy shit?
Me: Naw man.
T: Dude! Get this. I just moved to Crown Heights. I’m the only white, punk-rock son of a bitch around. But I greet people with respect, so I get respect back, right? Well I’m at the store last week buying ice cream.
M: Yeah.
T: And these two big black guys roll up on me. I mean, I’m a little tiny motherfucker, so everybody’s big next to me. But they were big. And they got those golf hats on that the hip hoppers wear. Whaddayou call ‘em?
M: Kangols.
T: Yeah, Kangols. Fucking old school. I remember that shit from when there waddnt no yuppies below 14th street. Couldn’t even walk around LES or Alphabet City after dark. Anyway. These black dudes tell me they’re making a NASCAR commercial. Ask me if I’m a singer.
M: Random.
T: Hell yeah random. But come on, they look at me, crazy looking punk-rock white dude in Crown Heights…they could smell it on me. They knew I had chops. And you know, I aint never did no NASCAR commercials, but I sing loud, angry, rock ballads. I’m allright.
M: I bet.
T: So I’m like what the fuck right? This dude tells me he’ll give me a hundred bucks. Says he tried to do it himself, but he sounds too urban. They need some of that Stephen Tyler shit. Something for the NASCAR fans.
M: So what happen?
T: I went with ‘em. Their studio was actually in their apartment, but it was CRAZY dude, all kinds of microphones and mixing boards and all that shit. And it was funny, cuz when I walked in, there were pictures of the one dude with all these stars…like Slick Rick? And Eddie Murphy, and that chick from Blondie and some others. You ever heard of Dana Dane?
M: Fuck yeah I’ve heard of Dana Dane! Dude’s a legend, man! Total pioneer. He was way involved in hip hop’s golden age.
T: See, that’s what I thought. Anyway, he’s making fucking NASCAR commercials now. They had me sing some corny shit, “Doooooing the checkered flag, waaaaaave-ah, doooing the checkered flag WAVE!” Then they had me sing overdubs, “NASCAAAAAR, owwww!” A few other ones too. They wanted that soulful white boy shit. No problem.
M: That’s a nutty story man.
T: Hell yeah, but I didn’t think nothing of it. This guy said that if everything goes through, they’re going to get all kinds of money for this commercial. He said he’d hook me up. Like thousands of dollars. I don’t care about that shit. I only care about my music. And eating my fucking ice cream. Nice guy, that Dana Dane.

Only in New York, baby.

In an added bit of total wonkiness, Noodles is collaborating with Dana Dane on the new hit single, “No Amount of Money.” Support them motherfuckers!

Why "Viral Video" is Viral

2006-04-24T22:54:00.000-04:00

Even money Carlos gets The Silent Laughs. Shouts to A-Wonner for the heads up.

Literally, Underground

2006-04-22T19:14:00.000-04:00

This is why I moved to New York. More pics here. The next one pops off Sunday 4.23 @ 6pm. Last car on the uptown-bound 6 train from Astor Place.

Oh Shit, We Have a Blog?

2006-04-19T23:39:00.000-04:00

Hello? Hellooooo? Anybody there?

:wrongnumber:

W.A.T.G. XXI

2006-04-04T00:09:00.000-04:00

Best Seat in the House

2006-03-20T21:13:00.000-05:00

Ethrina sent me this. It's really fucking funny.

Jes, got your tickets yet?

What up fam?! Been busy with some bugged activities lately. I think the storm has passed.

INNOVATE / EXECUTE it's 2006!

2006-03-08T22:58:00.000-05:00

Well, my company has a new banner up to help motivate the cogs for the '06. I was thinking we could start applying these same principles to the blog. No really, it could benefit us all. I mean, the marketing specialist that designed this banner is probably getting paid as much as my whole office, so it's got to be good stuff. Let's go over them together:

Own & Ignite Authentic Development (Is that an image of a bomb? wuh? You want me to set fire to this building? Ok, I guess I could do that)
Enhance a Culture of Service (This one is my favorite as it represents a subject from each race, gender, creed & has the token wheelchair guy....you can't be diverse without that guy)
Elevate Quality Production (note the finger pushing the elevator button, that's just plain smart right there)

So we could all learn a lot from this banner. Let's innovate and execute while still kicking it up a notch, shall we? Good, good.

W.A.T.G. XX

2006-03-08T01:23:00.000-05:00

Two die of carbon monoxide poisoning

2006-03-01T15:18:00.000-05:00

What a way to goOUT... If it didn't happen in Milwaukee, it'd be hard to tell if this was real or an Onion article.

Early

2006-02-26T22:40:00.000-05:00

The annual spring ragga freakout doesn't typically arrive until mid-April, but I guess it's running ahead of schedule this year. Ready or not!

W.A.T.G. XIX

2006-02-20T20:16:00.000-05:00

Get it, Greaser!

1,000 Words

2006-02-16T22:26:00.001-05:00

Great moment in crew history.

Found

2006-02-15T23:33:00.000-05:00

Oh shit!, where you been, son? Just one question: "Can I get one of those fresh, young beers there player?"

Switch like the Wu Tang Symbol

2006-02-09T23:38:00.000-05:00

Clan in the front, let your feet stomp! I'd like to make a documentary about Cappadonna. I used to think he was just a butt emcee, but that dude is fascinating -- that's my word.

Let's Gdansk

2006-02-07T23:14:00.000-05:00

"Polka's taken a bad rap," Mr. Sturr said. "Everybody thinks it's for your grandmother or your grandfather. Everybody thinks of 'Lawrence Welk' — which was a great show, don't get me wrong — but it's not like that. It's very updated. We've Americanized polka a lot."

And for that, he's worthy of scorn. Look at this bastard! Polka Disco indeed.

Also, this just in from the *holy fucking shit* dept.

Dad, don't Read the Times Today

2006-01-31T11:23:00.000-05:00

There's an odd string of words in there.

Party Like it's Your 10th Birthday

2006-01-29T18:14:00.000-05:00

For those that slept, wake up.

FOR HIRE

2006-01-27T00:15:00.000-05:00

Am I the only asshole that is greeted each and every morning with a 4' x 8' banner reminding me to convey a smile in my voice over the telephone? Sorry I've been away from the cake for a minute, but I've been exhausting all of my energy in doing whatever it takes to get away from said banner. Thus far, my only solution is to steal it while working late one night and stuff it into a dumpster. I need to get out of here. Piss on my soul.

Missing? Yes. Gone? No.

2006-01-25T07:05:00.000-05:00

I aint forget youse. Just waiting for the crop of spring interns to come on board and get fluent/engaged. Turns out admin and blogging *are* mutually exclusive!

In the meantime, check out this song and video from Tom Vek. The snare and organ blend are indeed setting the fire in me (CC) lately. Ill video.

W.A.T.G. XVIII

2006-01-16T19:08:00.000-05:00

Headphone Jones

2006-01-11T21:27:00.000-05:00

New music I'm feeling, on Ed's block and all over the city.

Church and State Dept.

2006-01-09T21:45:00.000-05:00

No, seriously, I have nothing to gain by you watching this.

On the macro tip, short form programming is where it's headed. It frees you up to do interesting things with tee-vee again. I guess a-lot of people like 24, Dancing with the Stars and Will and Grace, but there haven't been many original ideas in long form for at least several decades.

The Midwest is a Bleak Place

2006-01-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

Yet oddly endearing. Rusted, American cars. Everything moves a bit slower. Large groups of old friends hang out for no particular reason. The nasaley accent, which I used to loathe, and now find sexy on a midwestern bittie. Lots of humble folk. Y'all hold it down.

W.A.T.G. XVII

2006-01-05T21:33:00.000-05:00

Happiness is...

2005-12-30T12:58:00.000-05:00

a Bears win on Christmas Day
a Packers loss
the NFC North crown
a first round bye
SCOREBOARD
eat it Greasy Kid!!

A Proud Day for New Mexico's Judicial System

2005-12-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

Guh?

:CreepyDude:

2005-12-21T20:39:00.000-05:00

Not sure what's prompted it -- maybe the big breakup news? -- but recently I've been musing on how creepy Joe Simpson is. At the same time, I feel indebted to dude for engendering stuff like this, and, umm, this*. Kind of a wash, I suppose.

*Please note: BuildCake is not going Pr0Nblog, so don't be disappointed or (more likely) get excited.

Where my motherfucking midweezer peoples at?!?? I'm in your district Dec 23 - Jan 2. Don't be a stranger.

W.A.T.G. XVI

2005-12-15T00:14:00.000-05:00

Draped Up and Dripped Out

2005-12-11T14:15:00.000-05:00

Speak! -- super "honest" track; interesting perspective. I've always respected Bun as an elder statesman of dirty south g-rap, but only recently has it become clear what level his chops are on. Dude really knows how to own the mic, and when you hear him beside new school gumpas, his skills are that much more obvious. He shines all over Trill. This is expertly delivered syrup-sipping lyricism over trunk-rattling beats. SFJ concurs.

In Your Face, Suburbs

2005-12-07T22:32:00.000-05:00

I betcha they don't find shit like this digging up space for a new mini mall.

Which one of the Golden Girls do you want to bang the most?

2005-12-01T20:06:00.000-05:00

Come on... you know you have a fantasy favorite.

W.A.T.G. XV

2005-11-29T06:57:00.000-05:00

Flying Too Close to the Sun on Wings of Pastrami Dept.

2005-11-27T14:56:00.000-05:00

5 mics. Really?

It's really quite a shame. To go from being the voice of a movement and subculture to a total laughing stock. They brought it on themselves though. It's striking to see it all laid out on one page.

Question: If Jigga were to take over the franchise, do you think he could breathe life into it and re-establish The Source's credibility?

Cold Turkey

2005-11-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

I'm quitting people.

You - must - learn

2005-11-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

"In a corner of the class, high above the lockers, another well-known graffiti artist, Rate, had drawn huge, elliptical rats, which have become his calling card. Asked where he usually painted them, the artist, a thin young man wearing a baseball cap, smiled and did not exactly answer the question."

At first, I was afraid this article was gonna document something like this old song and dance. Thankfully, I was wrong. Proper!

Those Wacky Japanese Redux

2005-11-22T22:48:00.000-05:00

Here's a reason to care about the environment: warm, fuzzy Japanese boobies!

Bringing 95 Back

2005-11-20T20:12:00.000-05:00

Oh my. This new Wu Tang / Indie comp is major. They've channeled that Cuban Linx / Liquid Swords-era Wu Tang Sound and married it with some of today's dopest underground emcees. Ras Kass is back with a vengeance. GZA spits darts. RZA and Doom on a track together -- how did this not happen years ago?? Oh. Anyway, it's outstanding this all coalesced. I'm only a few listens in, but this album has quickly become a serious contender for top 3 of 2005.

Volume Over Frequency

2005-11-14T11:21:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time a happy little office grunt had all the time in the world to compose sprawling compositions full of lovely witticisms and incisive observations. This time has come and gone. My boss came through like a Category 5 and put the kabbash (can I get a definitive spelling on this?) on my non-work-related computer usage. I don't have any new responsibilities or extra work like some who compose top ten lists--and I'm certainly not getting paid more--no, I'm just supposed to keep my grubb little fingers off the goddamn keyboard. Therefore, consider this an underground communique in the strictest sense. I could get fired for this shit.

Sauce'Em's Top Ten List '05 (in no particular order)

1. Little Brother--"Beautiful Morning", The Minstrel Show

Finally, someone who does more than simply pay lip service to the ridiculously over-name-checked golden age of hip-hop, true school, Native Tongues, etc. The LB's sound like they could be from Crooklyn, but they're from the home of Petey Pablo (is anyone checkin for the freak-a-leak's upcoming Death Row release? probably not). At any rate, this album--and the opening track in particular-- is simply joyous. I bought it on an utterly miserable day filled with rain and sickness and my boss' irrationality, but the shit turned my mood right around. 'Cuz even though the birds aint singing and the sun aint shinin... 9th's beats are just so soulful. Pooh kills it, but Phonte comes with the more track-specific verse. Check how he flips the last line into the first line of the next song.

Best Line: "I went from niggas tellin me I really shouldn't rhyme/to droppin a classic album mo'fuckas couldn't find"

2. Cage--"Good Morning", Hell's Winter
I know a lot of people who are a too cool for school and like to hate on DefJux, but the Jukies have been killin' it this year. RJD2 in NBA promos? C-Rayz on MTV's "Made"? Aesop's video up for a Woody? Actually, that one makes perfect sense if you've seen it. Granted, I was a little underwhelmed by The Perceptionists album (what up Ak, you won't shake my hand?), but it seems they've saved the best for last this year. This album is straight up moving. At least four or five tracks give me goose bumps on a regular basis. So much dope production from different cats, but props to Producto for giving it a cohesive feel. Also, tasteful guest appearances. Jello Biafra anyone? Check Daryl Palumbo from Glassjaw and Head Automatica on "Shoot Frank" bringin it crazy soulful. I bought this on the same day as Little Brother and, while LB's new joint got immediate play, Cage's insanely personal album has won out over time.

Best Line: "Walk like I'm from the hood, hair like an indie-rock band"

3. Sage Francis--"Bridle", A Healthy Distrust
As an album, I don't feel like this one can stand alongside other Sage efforts such as Non-Prophets Hope, but there are still a handful of serious-minded bangers on this album (Buzzkill, Gunz Yo, & Slow Down Gandhi all come to mind). However, while scrolling through my most played list on my iPod I noticed a different Sage track listed amongst the assorted hair metal and cock-grabbing hip-hop which are my staples. I think it's the shortest song on the album and I wish he would've dropped a second full verse because the pattern he draws out of the piano sample is just stunning. Nothing flashy, just propulsive and fitting. I guess I probably like it so much because it's about girls and shit.

Best Line: "Tea cups sitting on the hollow tree stumps/he's dumped and cant seem to swallow these lumps...the beat goes on"

4. Atmosphere--"Smart Went Crazy", You Can't Imagine How Much Fun We're Having
This is Atmos' tightest album to date in my opinion. And I don't mean tight as in "man, that shit is tight!" (I don't talk like that), I mean it is consistent throughout and has virtually no filler or tracks I find myself wanting to skip over. However, there are a number of tracks I find myself wanting to skip to, this one being the foremost. I don't know what it is that makes me gravitate towards this track, but I think it has to do mostly with how goddamn good Ant is at working blues/soul guitar samples into hip-hop. The guy shits classics basically. And Slug? Well, Slug is...Slug. I love the guy and I aint afraid to say it.

Best Line: "sunset, sailboat, set course for hell/a cross and a hammer but you'll have to get some nails/take credit for anything embedded in the edit/...as long as you meant it when you said it"

5. P.O.S.--"Duct Tape", Ipecac Neat
Yeah yeah, I know, another Rhymesayers release. But if anyone has gone to the "Pour Me Another", and actually shown up in time to catch the opening act, then you already know why bro deserves to be on the short list. Sorry Blueprint, but your ass is gettin upstaged homie. At least that was the case in Milwaukee, where I planned to catch a smoke break during the first act, but instead found myself riveted and ended up smoking through the second. P.O.S.'s (Promise Of Stress, Piece Of Shit, take your pick) delivery is refreshingly unconventional, and not in the "I'm so beyond hip-hop that I don't feel the need to flow" sorta way. He just seems to zig when you expect him to zag, and everything is spit like his life depends on it. Beat wise there are some off-kilter selections, but this track is an immediate standout due to its uptempo pace and Middle Eastern vibe. Hard to explain, go cop it.

Best Line: "Mama had a baby, baby had a dad/baby had nothin but a reason to be mad"(or something like that, I can't remember anything else right now because homegirl has my CD. That's right, I BUY Cds)

6. Saul Williams--"Black Stacy", Saul Williams
I swear I don't copy everything Jason does, but I gotta give it up to Brother Saul as well. I still think there's some shit that's kinda gimmicky and unlistenable on this album, but there's also a whole buncha fist-pumpingly killer tracks as well. Pancakes already covered "List of Demands", so I'm goin with the other single. He performed both of them on MTV2 a while back and I thought this one was a gutsy choice because of it's loooooooong, damn-near a capella opening and dramatic, spoken word-like pauses. But the chorus resonates and Saul knows how to sell his words. Once the beat gets going around two minutes the song is a motherfucker.

Best Line: "...and you should do that/if nothing else to prove that/a player like you can keep it honest and true/don't mean to call your bluff, but motherfucker thats what I do/you got a platinum chain then son I'm probably talkin to you/you can bring ya gang, ya posse and the rest of your crew/and while you're at it get them addicts and the indigent too/I plan to have a whole army by the time that Im through/to load they guns...with songs they haven't sung"

7. Immortal Technique--"Point of No Return", Revolutionary Vol. II
Stronghold represent! Listening to Tech break it down is like hearing an Amnesty International report read over breakbeats, except much much angrier. This cat calls bullshit on everything. From Paul Wolfowitz to sermonizing vegetarians to the drug war to sucka MCs. Apparently bro was reading during his up north trip. The beats are your standard battle fare and he still needs to come up with some variety in his flows, but when he conveys this much information and imagery who really gives a fuck.

Best Line: "This is the point of no return, ya better believe this/Mary Magdalene givin birth to the children of Jesus"

8. Handsome Boy Modeling School--"A Day in the Life", White People
This one might be over a year old, but I just got into it a few months ago, so nitpickers can suck it. I can't believe I slept on these guys for as long as I did. I mean what more could you ask for. Prince Paul and Automator running the show with beats that run the gamut. Slow and moody, check. Rugged and razor-sharp, got it. And as always a fucking ridiculous supportting cast of guest appearances. Who the fuck gets John Oates and Jamie Cullum on a track and makes it work like that? Guido Sarducci?! Where'd they dig him up? However, for my money, this track steals the show. RZA is all personality, and it's nice to see AG gettin some game time, but the track is stolen outright by bro from The Mars Volta. I wanna say it's Cedric, but I can never remember which one is the singer. Their album Frances The Mute is insane by the way.

Best Line: chorus...and it's so good I can't remember any of it offhand.

9. Kanye West--"Golddigger", Late Registration
I gotta give it up for this song because of two simple reasons. First and foremost, it gets asses moving and I have been the lucky recipient of an undue amount of action simply because I can dance to it. Much love, Kanye. Second, if anyone happened to catch Kanye and Jamie Foxx performing this joint live on the VMAs(?), then you already know what I'm talking about. Kanye goes back to what he does best and digs up a choice Ray Charles sample. And, essentially, that little snippet is probably doper than anything he spits on the whole track. Just try to get it out of your head if you doubt me.

Best Line: uhhhh, you know what? forget about it.

10. KingHellBastard--"s/t", from an as yet untitled EP
Warning: shameless self-promotion! First, this is the new project I'm in. Second, I realize that no one has ever heard even a second of our shit yet (except maybe kool-aid-mustache). To tell you the truth, I don't even have a copy of our tracks yet. But believe you me...this...shit...is...out-of-control. My guys Brandon and Adam, or Brandom if you will, have concocted what I consider to be the illest beats coming out of the area right now. B is just sick on the bass, and Adam has stepped his game up a quantum leap on the drums and keys. As for myself, well, you know I kill it. I will disseminate the self-titled track soon (featuring Dana Coppafeel) and ya'll can tell me if I'm lying. It sounds like a tank division rolling through your neighborhood young'un.

Best Line: "drink the water, sink wells after/hit the speed dial, bring help faster/I'm the finger on the trigger, sling shells at ya/everyone knows I'm a...KING HELL BASTARD!"

Holla.

Sauce'Em

The miracle of birth

2005-11-12T10:48:00.000-05:00

Really, who gets contracted as the illustrator for books like this? I guess you don't want your kid learning where babies come from on the street.

gosh...

2005-11-10T21:39:00.000-05:00

Somewhat appropriate that we occasionally actually reference the movie. I guess...

Greasy Kid Inc. Top 10: 11.10.05

2005-11-10T01:14:00.000-05:00

You should know that all of us at GKI are totally committed to identifying and cultivating renewable resources. We care about the future of the planet and are also big fans of numbered lists -- and roman numerals. As our last attempt to implement a re-occurring installment didn't work out so well, we decided to try again. Bigger. Better. With more 'tude. And also offering something of value!

Sorry kids, it's late and been a hell of a week -- kind of delirious. Lots to learn and absorb at the new gig. Puts a crimp in my gangster blogger style. So I've bitten the bullet and substituted volume for frequency, at least for the short term. Peep game!

Will do this every once in a while. Try and keep the list to more recent releases, because we don't need to tell you that songs off Boxcar Sessions and Illmatic and Step in the Arena and Unknown Pleasures are good. You should know that already. Or you probably shouldn't be here.

dj applesauce is for the children.

Here goes:

10/ “Brand New” – Rhymefest w/ Kanye West

This isn’t a particularly remarkable song, but it’s catchy and feels like a 12” I would have been really juiced to find and put on a mixtape in 1996. The ‘themsmykinfolk’ back and forth between Rhymefest and Kanye is fun and it’s good to see they’ve put their beef to bed. It’s also bugged to hear a Kanye beat that isn’t all operatic and/or doesn’t feature a sped up vocal sample from an old soul 45. But just like them ‘ol jawns, the overused “brand new” punch-in is guaranteed to get lodged in your brain.

Choice line: “Ralph Lauren was boring before I wore him”

9/ “Right Now” – Devin tha Dude

I’ve only recently dug into Devin’s catalog, but I’m feeling the slow syrupy production that’s all over his long players. This particular tune caught my ear right away: lots of low end, just enough high hat, some sparse, tinkling piano, and an ill ass acoustic guitar loop. Dude rides the beat just right and even pulls off an enjoyable quasi-sung chorus. Makes me want to chief an o of presidential and catch the next flight to someplace sunny and warm.

Choice line: “I said aiight bitch, but I said it kinda low / didn’t want no problems, so towards the back I go / I had a little weed on me, didn’t want it to show / some helicopter: took my potna three months to grow.”

8/ “Trap or Die” – Young Jeezy w/ Bun B

Oh shit, it’s the trapper of the year! Man, if Jeezy isn’t the most legitimate, on the g-est motherfucker rapping right now, I don’t know who is. He’s no where near being anything special with the verbals, but he’s got a gang of charisma, presence and always manages to, ummm, “manage” the verse. He couples up nicely with Bun B on “Trap or Die” over some decent upper register synth work and 10 dump trucks full of bass. I’m this close to buying an Expedition, filling it with 14s, bumping this track all day and starting a career in narcotic sales.

Choice line: Bun B’s whole verse (and flow) is sick as hell.

7/ “List of Demands (Reparations)” – Saul Williams

I’ve always kind of dug Saul Williams, but never fully. However, this song plopped on my radar recently and really endeared me to homeboy. It’s loud, aggressive and kinda like a Bjork song gone horribly awry (in a good way). There’s more chorus than verse, and his inflection is kind of annoying in parts, but he’s just so god damn into it, I dig it anyway.

Choice line: “I aint afraid of you! I’m just a victim of your fear / [you’re] a coward in your tower hoping that I disappear.”

6/ “Have a Good Life” – Sadat X

This tune is a happy combination of rolling, stuttered bassline, warm horn blasts and metal bars hit with soft mallets. Much like the rest of Experience and Education, it pays homage to the golden age that birfed Dat X, but it still sounds current and relevant. This is a tough thing to do, and it’s a big part of why I respect this track and album so much. Support my boy Peter Agoston and his label Female Fun and PURCHASE this rekkid.

Choice line: “Yo I’m living in the apple / where the cost of livin’ / is so unforgiven / I’m still good for a quote / I’m still good for a mean sixteen”

5/ “Not Enough” – Little Brother

Here’s a hot track off LBs most recent and quite toasty full length. I think the album loses a bit towards the end, but this is one of several load bearing songs helping to properly boost up the first half. The joint is vintage Ninth, with a driving bassline, some offset snare kicks, and mean Teddy Pendergrass-sounding “oooowoooooooh”s interspersed throughout.

Choice line: “Yo I aint never heard an act to blow and go global / and come back home and still be called local / and when we on stage, the people they all front / dope beats, dope rhymes what more do y’all want?”

4/ “Crosshairs” – Dangerdoom

It’s a different experience to hear Dumile over such a polished beat, but this shit is polished something righteous. Something like a…nicely varnished cane? Inside joke. Anyway, stumble upon “Crosshairs” and you’ll find a twangy guitar fresh out of a 'Roots of the Blues' boxed set, situated handsomely next to some strings, flute and xylophone. Please Dangermouse, don’t hurt ‘em! Doom, you’re my fucking hero.

Choice line: “Pelican, with some very soft mangos / closet full of skeletons and terrycloth Kangols”

3/ “Banquet” – Bloc Party

Well, I’m about seven months late to Bloc Party’s Silent Alarm, but this album is ROCKING MY FUCKING ASS OFF right now. “Banquet” in particular. The drums drive and pang, but don’t overpower. The dueling lead guitars and their respective chords fit right where they should. Kele Okereke is out in front, over-singing a little, but ultimately getting the job done well. Great single.

Choice line: n/a

2/ “The Skin of My Yellow Country Yellow Teeth” – Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

Here’s another indie rock single I’m gaga for right now. It starts all electronic, like TV on the Radio, but quickly folds in a moving, Modest Mousey-style harmony. Dude on the drums is capable, but lead vocalist Alec Ounsworth is the real star. He belts out his lines with a wink, a nod and a crack in his voice that is simultaneously self effacing and brimming with chutzpah. This record is pretty dope from reel to reel. Pick it up, pick it up.

Choice line: n/a

1/ “Welcome to Jamrock” – Damian Marley

Absolutely my joint right now. Clean version, then dirty version, then instrumental. Sometimes I’ll even play it a couple more times before I put something else on the platter. “Out in thah street, they call it murdaaaaaaah!” Nicely timed dubs – and an even nicer dub siren! Gong Jr. flexes great cadence and once again makes “Marley” a name of note in contemporary Jamaican music.

Choice line: “Come on let’s face it, a ghetto education’s basic / an most ah dey yout dem waste it / and when dem waste it, dat’s when dem take the guns replace it / an dem don’t stand a chance at all”

See you next time folkers.

W.A.T.G. XIV

2005-11-04T00:14:00.000-05:00

Best. This Guy. Yet.

Word Builder Vol. 1

2005-11-02T09:32:00.000-05:00

Today's word of the day is "flummoxed". Flummoxed means confused. It's really just a fancy way of saying confused. I encourage you all to talk in fancy language whenever you can.

I'll do this word of the day thing every once in a while. Not so much as to become annoying, but just enough to be a public service. Say word.

W.A.T.G. XIII

2005-10-31T14:10:00.000-05:00

Halloween was fun.

U.N.I.T.Y.

2005-10-28T16:49:00.000-04:00

Awww. Sounds like it was a hot show.

"Ass Like a Ten Year Old Boy"

2005-10-26T11:43:00.000-04:00

Creepy.

Climb

2005-10-25T09:58:00.000-04:00

This show is going to make my career.

Monday Morning Sundry

2005-10-24T10:16:00.000-04:00

'Attaway, boys! Cheat, scrap, do whatever you gotta do to bring another championship to the Windy. Exciting stuff.
Killah Cam gets caught up -- oh boy! Watch yourself, fam. As Ed opinioned yesterday afternoon, "Can't he just drive a regular S.U.V. like everybody else?"
Feeling The Minstrel Show something wicked right now. Didn't really grab me by the balls right away, but it does well in repeat listens. Super soulful beats and Phonte has a respectable presence. Some say all Ninth's stuff sounds the same, and I agree: it's all hitting right now.
Also very pleased with Knockout Ned's latest. There's some heartbreaking shit on there. Cop that business, dunlevys.

Found in Translation

2005-10-19T15:57:00.000-04:00

Arabic is a language fond of formal indirectness, and, during the first planning sessions of the Arab-language edition of "The Apprentice," the producers decided to replace "You're fired!" -- Donald Trump's catchphrase of blunt humiliation -- with a line that translates into English as "May God be kind to you."
--The New Yorker, October 17, 2005

So, wait, do they or don't they hate our freedom? I'm so confused!

W.A.T.G. XII / Absentia

2005-10-18T14:33:00.000-04:00

Hey, look at that! It's a funny looking guy.

In other news, apologies for the lag in posting here, but my (our?) attention has been railroaded the past week or so. There's this thing, and then there was The Cake summit this past weekend. Anyway, all positive stuff. We'll be back with fresh content soon. Stay tuned!

When a Brand Name is an Adjective

2005-10-11T00:12:00.000-04:00

"It's Comcastic"?!?? How the fuck are they going to try and brand this? I'm offended as a consumer, lover of words AND a marketer.

More Blue, Less White

2005-10-10T17:08:00.000-04:00

The new 49ers. Interesting stuff. Situations like this are rare and becoming rarer in today's hyper mapped out and spoken for earth. Check the capitalist perspective, too:

"It's the positive side of global warming, if there is a positive side," said
Ron Lemieux, the transportation minister of Manitoba.

W.A.T.G. XI

2005-10-06T15:22:00.000-04:00

He is a sad guy.

IN/TIME

2005-10-04T13:59:00.000-04:00

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN DOPE if it was just one of them. But it wasn't just one of them. It was all three of them. Two of the world's best djs and a producer at the top of his game. On stage at the same time. And complimented by a cat that played with Jimmy Smith and Marvin, a cat that gigged with Herbie and Refa (among others), and a dude zero degrees removed from Jorge Ben. These are the ingredients for an incredible live performance.

And so it went! Layers of rich, happy, Brazilian sound washed over the crowd for just shy of two hours. Humphry absolutely owned that drum set without a break or hitch -- never missed a beat. Reklaw would finish an amazing flute solo, then pick up a sax and be deep in it before 16 bars had passed. Cut Chemist and J-Rocc chirped and flared and crabbed and knew exactly when to jump in and just when to lay back and cede the floor to the other contributors. Madlib showed that he's come along way on those keys. So much so that I actually really want to hear a new YNQ album now.

A few years ago, I would have been naive enough to scribble out a blow-by-blow, 4,000 word account of what happen at Spirit on Sunday, October 2nd, and think that maybe folks would be able to get an understanding of what went down. But now I know better. So I'll just strongly recommend you purchase this and hope you get the chance to experience this live for yourself some day. Fly long distances. Bribe people. Forfeit the baseball cards your grandpa gave you as a kid. I promise you won't regret it.

America's Wang

2005-10-01T18:20:00.000-04:00

Brilliant. Man, Americans are steady on some take it too far shit.

Warning!

2005-09-29T14:14:00.000-04:00

Do you know who your children are playing baseball with?

Falk asked the driver to pull over at the entrance to Sing Sing, the prison. “The school used to bring the ball team here to play the inmates,” he said.

Ain't No Half-Steppin'

2005-09-27T11:03:00.000-04:00

"...a whole lotta serious dents in mattresses..." -Big Daddy Kane, on his legacy

Every once in a while I see or hear something that reminds me why I fell in love with hip-hop in the first place. Something so pure and exhilarating that it erases all the bitterness I feel while watching BET's Rap Shitty or flipping through, uggh, the source. Last night was one of those occasions. Let me set the scene.

It's about a quarter to midnight and I'm flipping channels when, lo and behold, what do I see on VH1 but a bunch of high-top fades and gold chains dancing in unison like the second coming of James Brown. "Oh shit, it's Kane!" Apparently the B-I-G-D-A-double D-Y-K-A-N-E was being celebrated as part of this years Hip-Hop Honors. So, as in the Rock 'N Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, I'm waiting and hoping that I didn't miss the performance of the honoree. After the retrospective, Jermaine Dupri (what the fuck?) comes onstage and announces that some of today's hottest MCs are going to perform a medley of BDK's greatest hits. In Jermaine's words: "some cats who can bring justice to the man's words". Okay, I thought, let's see it. "Give it up for T.I.!" Ugggggh. So the self-proclaimed King of the South comes out and drawls his way through one verse of "Smooth Operator", one of Kane's slower joints, and he can still barely carry the man's flow. Next up, Black Thought. Well, he's playing with his band, so he should be able to pull it off. Right? Sorta, but he keeps running over words trying to keep up with the tempo. Then comes Common, who I figure, with his nostalgic love for the music, should bring some heat. He does a serviceable rendition of "Set It Off" and brings some energy to the stage, but even he seems somewhat outta breath. At least he busts out some moves with the two back-up dancers flanking him. Alright, that's all well and good, but why didn't they bring the man himself out, I guess he must be too old and...wait a minute...who's the bro who looks like Otis Redding? Awwww man, here we go! Kane strolls on stage and just lays into the opening of "Raw". The man doesn't miss a beat, just a consummate professional. The crowd is starting to feel it and you can tell that every cat on stage realizes they got a long way to go before they can speak their name in the same breath with this guy. The verse is dope, but still it feels like there is something missing. Kane is just standing in one place while his dancers rock it, but then...BOOM! The old timer hasn't lost a step either. The place fucking explodes. I mean he does it all, even the move where he falls back into one guys arms and then is launched towards the other, who puts his hands out like he's gonna boost him over a fence, steps into dude's hands, swings a leg over his head, comes around and lands in a spilt and gets pulled up by his shirt collar a la the Godfather of Soul. Un-Fucking-Believable. By this point I am standing in my living room in my underwear damn near reduced to tears. Kane kisses a peace sign to crowd and gracefully bows out. No chest-thumping egotism. No self promotion. No shout outs. Just unparalleled cool.

They just don't make 'em like that anymore.

Sauce'Em

W.A.T.G. X

2005-09-26T07:57:00.000-04:00

Not quite sure what's going on there.

Because I'm more Coldplay than I am Ice-T

2005-09-20T17:41:00.000-04:00

Oh. My. God. (credit: Kay-Dee)

The Wussiest Wuss Rock Band that Ever Rocked ('cept Dumbwaiter -- aye!)

2005-09-19T20:41:00.000-04:00

But they do know how to cut a rekkid. The new jawn is pretty compelling. On par with Transatlanticism. I wonder if they make bank off having tunes on the O.C.?

BTW, more cogent thoughts coming on about 6 other recent and upcoming releases. Just haven't had the time to sit down and put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, as it were. To prove my gangsterism, one of 'em is Jeezy. This heater makes me want to break and steal things!

The Male Uniform

2005-09-17T10:54:00.000-04:00

When was it exactly that “fashion” became something that meant anything to men? I mean, that entails some sort of work. Traditionally, a simple T-shirt with a logo or phrase that supported something we were into cut the mustard. Now, if you’ve left the house in the last few years and gone anywhere with a crowd, it’s quite evident that we’ve adopted some of the same ideals as women when it comes to dress. You know, the “Male Uniform.” The key is an untucked button up cotton/polyester blend long-sleeved dress shirt. Don’t button the cuffs and leave two or three of the top chest buttons undone. Perfect. Now throw on some fitting jeans, some dress shoes (make sure they match your belt, son!) and toss a palm of goop in your hair. Now you’re part of the army. The go out to get drunk and chase pussy army where sloppy is supposed to look sophisticated. It’s a rather unelite club because all you have to do to join is have a dick and dress this way. This is pretty much the standard get-up now with all these wanna-be metrosexuals (and I don’t like using that word, it’s WAY too Maxim/Men’s Health). I guess I’m just disappointed to see guys voluntarily dismiss their individualism. You’ve got to wonder if a girl will ever be able to pick you out of the crowd now. How are you supposed to stand out above the rest of these fools out there with the same motives? There’s no point of difference anymore, so you best get a really dope car or actually have a personality. Most guys just shit some cheese-dick garble out of their mouth. And that does work at times. Throw enough shit at the wall, and some of it is going to stick. Why not.

Staliens

2005-09-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

So, it's been a minute sice I have been able to add anything substantial to the Cake. Another layer or tier so to speak. Or, if I may be so bold, perhaps I am more like the slabs of poundcake providing a sturdy base of text while Jason adds delectable decorative flowers with his pastry gun. God, that sounds alarmingly homorerotic. I know I'm gonna regret writing that, but fuck it, too late now.

Yeah, so my boss has been cracking down on the amount of time I spend composing these little communiques and, since I still haven't fully set-up my room following the exodus to (Cri)Stallis, the normal volume of my ranting has ebbed.

Good to hear that The Cake is gonna be having a summit of sorts next month in the BK. Sorta like a G8 meeting for derelicts. Jason, can I call you Potato from now on? It seems so apropo, considering that it has tie-ins with both you're monikers. What does applesauce go on? Potato pancakes.

Speaking of which, today is Friday. Do they have greasy, all-you-can-eat fish frys in NYC?

Arteriosclerosis'em.

Sauce'Em

W.A.T.G. IX

2005-09-14T07:56:00.000-04:00

1s and 2s Dept.

2005-09-12T21:23:00.000-04:00

Come check me out on Thursday. At 9:30 pm. Here.

As Inevitable As a Hangover From The Hurricane Cocktail

2005-09-08T21:23:00.000-04:00

Where was Nostradamus on this one? Looks like Neo Geo had the edge since this was published October 2004. Sure it's science and all, but it's interesting to see it predicted like this.

No, No, Yes?

2005-09-06T22:55:00.000-04:00

Ok, that makes sense.

I can’t see this being a huge problem, but it must be serious enough to warrant its own sign.

But it’s okay to hang out the window of a rapidly moving tram car?

?

Things Realized, Decided or Reaffirmed

2005-09-04T12:12:00.000-04:00

Walking around everyday checking out new shit and drinking beers in the afternoon is where it's at. I gotta find some way to make a career out of this.

It's highly likely I'll marry a woman of Eastern European descent.

This album is aging exceptionally well. This one, too.

Cam'ron kinda murders this "Dreams" beat (credit: hardly art, hardly garbage).

I remember thinking when I first heard "Verbal Intercourse" that it was a pretty major song. Now it sounds fucking seminal. I believe that if you played this for a room full of heads right now, folks would absolutely lose their shit.

Ed's on to something with that Kafka kick.

The whole world hates us. Because we're ugly. They're on to something, too.

This hurricane business is BUGGED OUT. I was really disconnected there for a stretch and had no idea how bad it was projected to be or what the immediate conditions were. The first piece I read detailed feces and rape in the Superdome. Come again??

It's wild to observe significant US happenings through a foreign lens. I don't know when the press here began opining it, but the European media was all over the Kyoto shit right away.

Budapestians really know how to live.

FOOTBALL.

The critics are still raving!

Public service announcement from Greasy Kid Incorporated: The next joint will be called dj applesauce - Put'cha Breaks On. Coming this fall.

Charles Whitman's Children and The Corpse Pimper

2005-08-29T13:37:00.000-04:00

Yo, I don't know if you watched the VMAs last night or if I'm still the only underground head whom still finds these things fascinating, but it was a sight to behold. Hosted by none other than the supreme Corpse Pimper himself (Puff Daddy, that's right bitch, I ain't followin' your directions concerning your name change, from now on I am making it my sacred duty to spread the name Corpse Pimper far and wide), it was a shameful affair to say the least. He trotted out some old footage from the "Juicy" video and fronted like he was conducting an orchestra to Big's lyrics. Not only that, but the mufuckas didn't have the balls to play the line "time to get paid, blow up like the world trade". Sacrilege! The Corpse Pimper's entrance brought a whole new meaning to the term overboard. In fact, when it comes to excessivity, human powers of hyperbole simply can't keep up with The Corpse Pimper. He rode in Zeus' flaming chariot atop the crest of a liquid gold wave while the assembled choirs of Seraphim intoned his new moniker. Women tore the couture from their breasts in Dionysian ecstasy and full-grown men gnashed their teeth in anall-consuming envy.

Beforehand, however, the most disgusting display of craven money-worship occurred on the new and improved red carpet. Apparently, simply stepping out of a stretch-Abrahams tank while wearing the GNP of a sub-saharan nation on your wrist isn't enough anymore. So, ever the innovator when it comes tolavishing sycophantic smooches on the asses of the needlessly famous, MTV provided dual channels whereby the discerning celebutante could come out in high style. The more European of the gliterati arrived via battleship a la the Cannes film festival, while the more American of the lot showed their patriotism by dutifully driving their monstrosities down the rose-strewn red carpet onto a revolving platform where, upon exiting, they were asked a series of inane questions from the new King of the Cockpunch List...John Norris. Don't think I forgot about that NKOTB shirt you were rockin' back in the early nineties sucka! I can't believe they still let that closeted cocksucker within a hundred yards of their youth rallies. So, let's hear it for corporate synergistic cannibalism! MTV has created a hybid of their vapid car/mansion fetishization and their equally unneccessary awards shows! Now celebrities don't need to bring pictures of their cars to show to reporters on the red carpet, because their fucking car is spinning right behind them like they're in a showroom!

Later on in the proceedings Lil' Bow Wow (who's tryin to be all gully now so he dropped the Lil' from his name, as if Bow Wow conveys a more mature sensibility) and everyone's favorite Trust Fund Cum Dumpster, Paris Hilton, compared the net worth and total carats of their respective Sierra Leone slave labor. This is what passes for witty banter when presenting an award! Where's Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg when you need 'em? Nah, fuck that. Where are all the snipers? I think Charles Whitman had some kids. They're congenital defects oughta be kicking in about now.

Sauce'Em

Homecoming

2005-08-26T12:48:00.000-04:00

My Polska, my people! My wonderful, humble, resilient Polish people. We've been bullied around Europe for more than 1,000 years. They wiped out nearly a fifth of us during WWII. But we're still here, still repping that white, red and eagle.

My people! Of sour complexion, largely due to a diet that'll guarantee you maybe 50sumyears of existence. My brethren, with squared jaws and cursed hair (so that's where it comes from!). My sistren -- tall, stoic, ample bosomed and frequently with a sexy little ponch. Blond and fair in the north, darker featured and 'more Slavic' in the south. My folk!

A humble people. We never had the grand aspirations of the Dutch or Spanish, comrades to the east, or demonic neighbors to the west. Muhfuckas was just trying to live! Till the land of 'em. Have a comfortable little life. But heads kept treading on us. The map grew and shrank, but mostly shrank. It even disappeared.

But we don't die, all we fucking do is multiply. Fam came back. Survived 40 years of stifling economic repression. Sewed the seeds of revolution. And now -- on a come up!

Anyway, shit's been major. Defining. A love affair. A hajj. I've seen a fair amount of this earth, but nothing has affected me quite like this. You all will lose me to this joint for a while at some point. Just have to sort out the details.

Kocham was, Polska!

Full-Contact Paralegalism

2005-08-25T11:30:00.000-04:00

My chair at work is comfortable, but only up to the point where sleep is possible. If I slouch down real low and put my hands behind my head it almost feels like a recliner, but then I run the risk of having it skirt out from under me. I've already disrupted the mid-afternoon lull--you know, the point about an hour after lunch where digestion takes hold of the body and the mind starts calculating different ratios of the time left until 5--a few times with an uneven weight dispersal. Nothing makes you look like more of an amateur than not being able to properly master an ergonomic swivel-roller. It's a cheap chair from Wal-Mart but the wheels are no joke. If there weren't so many area rugs I could accomplish 75% of my duties while sitting. Right now, however, I'm trying to remember how I used to fall asleep during Saturday detention.

Depending on the day, I would say that I spend anywhere from 50%-75% of my time out of the office. This mostly entails driving around the downtown area to various locations to commune with secretaries, bank tellers, postal workers and convenience store clerks. What I have begun to natice is that I am part of substrata of office employees (call us gophers, runners, messengers, lackeys, etc.), a group made up of primarily young, beautiful women with career aspirations. After all, what is the point of law degree or MBA if you can't outfit your office with some impressionable tail. What the hell, maybe they'll get drunk at an office function and run around topless. I see them everywhere and, not only is it maddening, it is fucking dangerous! Being the compulsive rubbernecker that I am, it is shocking that I haven't been involved in some sort of accident yet. It's especially harry whenever I'm driving along Water St. during the lunch hours. These masters-of-the-universe jag-offs with their french-cuff shirts and $200 sunglasses love to stride about as if they are lord of all creation and crosswalks don't apply to them. Well, punks jump up and get beat down! What with my iPod distraction and all the nubile flesh straining against fashionable businesswear, I'm bound to plow into someone sooner or later. I bet his slicked back hair won't even budge as he windmills over the roof of my car. The last thing he'll hear will be me cackling and the low rumble of Motorhead fading into the distance. Shit, if you can't hipcheck a couple of Gordon Geckos outta their wingtips from time to time, then what's the point of working for one of the best lawyers this side of the Mississippi?

Sauce'Em

W.A.T.G. VIII

2005-08-23T23:00:00.000-04:00

This is my cat. Although he's had dozens of names throughout his life, the one that stuck most is Barney. Let it be known, I am not a cat person. I was merely forced to live with him because my sister abandoned his sorry ass. I guess he's cool and all, but I can't fully respect any creature that religiously sneaks outside, eats as much grass as he can before getting caught, then pukes it all up within 30 minutes of returning inside. Not only that, but he refuses to vomit on anything but carpet. God forbid he huck the unchewed grass up on the easy-to-clean tile. Above and beyond that, he's not such a bad roommate.

Dress-Like-Magnum Day

2005-08-23T11:01:00.000-04:00

So, today is Tuesday. You know what that means? That means kool-aid gets to wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans to the office and participate in some well-structured, company-sponsored wackiness! For those of you who didn't get the soul-deadening flyer forwarded to them, apparentlty the higher-ups over at State Farm Insurance haven't seen the movie Ofiice Space or their sense of irony is much more finely tuned than your average office drone. Then again, these things do happen (with alarming regularity in fact), and that is what made the satire so trenchant in the movie. The white-collar ennui was positively palpable. You could smell the souls atrophying amidst their tri-walled coffins beneath the merciless hum of the fluorescent lighting. Even as I write this I am able to conjure images of women named Kristi and men named Gary clad in billowy tropical-print shirts from Kohl's (I've been reading Norman Mailer lately, can you tell?). At any rate, The Cake needs to rally round the flagging spirits of kool-aid as he valiantly steels his dignity against the onslaught of banality. As Henry IV said, "Once more into the breach, my friends!"

Sauce'Em

It's a celebration, bitches!

2005-08-19T17:38:00.000-04:00

Off to go connect with the motherland -- Schmessers and Danasauce: don't break 'nothing while I'm gone!

You're All Grows Up, Baby

2005-08-19T09:38:00.000-04:00

Yo, panckaes, I guess it's for the best that I chose Suace'Em as my moniker, since it seems that you and I are the only ones shouldering the load. It's like I'm an intern and you can delegate the responsibilities of maintaining one of your aliases to me. If I may be so bold. Perhaps this direct address will put to rest some of the confusion. YO, I AIN'T JASON. And now...

...on with the show. The new Felt record is excellent. Slug and Murs are in good form and it is some of Ant's best production. Did I already mention this? Guess there's a new Atmos joint coming out in October titled--I love this--"Look How Much Fun We're Having". So, all you displaced Midwest heads, be prepared to have another one of our precious little darlings ripped from our nurturing bosoms. Their shit is gonna seriously blow up with this one, and that's my word dun. I'm talkin like Modest Mouse Monday Night Football style. Even the 18-year old girl in my office was like "Ohmigod! You like Atmosphere!" And I was like "Yeah, Slug's cool." Her response: "Who's Slug?" I imagine Sean probably likes it that way. One less kook bugging him at The CC. That's right, I'm local. Recognize, bitches.

Shit is real.

Sauce'Em

The Corpse Pimper

2005-08-17T10:57:00.000-04:00

Oh man. Dude is rarely even in my realm of consciousness anymore. I typically forget he even exists. But then he goes and does some stupid shit like this...and people care! And granted it's E! Online. But still.

I can't help but think this guy has a karmic debt big enough to sink Mother Theresa.

This post filed under "bitching about rappers" (that's a preemptive dick cookie for you haters).

Wait, that sounds too salty. What I meant to say was: I *heart* all off you Cake eaters!

Next Motherfucker To Say Somethin' While I'm Talkin' Is Gonna Get Shot

2005-08-16T10:16:00.000-04:00

This may make me sound psychotic--or just immature for that matter, but I really don't give a damn--but the other day I got into a confrontation with a group of punk-ass 7th graders in my parents' neighborhood. I was driving with AngryTony (which should explain how this came to pass) and as were going by these three kids on their bikes I overhear some muttering. I look in the rearview and see gums-flappin' and arms-wavin. "Those are the little fucks who stare at me when I walk down to your house" says Tony. A little while later, as were passing by again (I'll admit it, I was looking for beef), and this one shitstack gives me the international sign for "Wassup, you want some?"

[sound of tires screeching to a halt]
Me: Are you kidding me. Did you see that?
AngryTony: Yep. I saw it.
Me: Did that...did he...man, they must be out of their--
[bounding out of the car]
Me: ARE YOU OUT OF YOU FUCKING MIND!!!
(mind you, it is around 7pm and everyone is out trotting their little rodents around the neighborhood, running up exorbitant water bills, spit-shining the bumpers on their Camry, etc. All told I would say there were at least a dozen people within earshot.)
Me: I WILL DISMANTLE YOUR WHOLE WORLD!!! SO GET THE FUCK BACK INSIDE BEFORE I DRIVE MY CAR OVER YOUR GIRL BIKES.
[more gesticulating and half-assed aping of whatever rap video they just saw on TRL]
Lead Punkass: Whatever, my dad'll sue you if you touch us.
Me: Oh yeah, take one step off your lawn and I swear your parents will be paying the therapy bill for years. Seriously, get in your house now. And tell your dad I live right down the street. I'm real easy to find. I'm the only one with a backbone for ten square miles.
[more playground taunts and giggling]

At this point there really wasn't much more I could do, but I had a dilemma on my hands. On one hand, my quasi-adult brain was telling me "come on, aren't you a little old to be getting in pissing matches with prepubescents", while on the other hand my reptilian-adolescent brain was like "fuck that! there are principles involved here. If someone doesn't check these brats they're gonna grow up to be...I don't know...president or some shit." Ultimately I had no choice but to side with my emerging maturity and go home and hate myself for it. However, my parents won't be moving anytime soon and I will find out when those misbegotten, genetically-recessive little bitches turn 18. Please believ'dat.

Hatin'em

Sauce'Em

W.A.T.G. VII

2005-08-14T22:28:00.000-04:00

¡Baile!

2005-08-12T21:09:00.001-04:00

Fock, Carlos. At least to my untrained ears, this shit sounds pretty mega. It's a nice compliment to oppressive heat, though current status feels more like Mumbai than San Juan.

Annals of economics

2005-08-11T15:01:00.000-04:00

Damn summer malaise. You know it's a slow day when I'm posting crap like this. This just in: quantity demanded outstrips quantity supplied!

Mmmmmmmm. Beer phone.

Rebatin' Em

2005-08-11T11:37:00.000-04:00

Man, I had this dope post written yesterday and--while I was frantically leaving work before I was given another "little" project (like copying the entire probate file of a 35-year felon)--I erased it. Poof...gone. It was something to the effect of me being the king of the ex-girl hook-up. Or as it is called: the rebate. Dividends. It's like me and the girl in question invested in a company years ago and every once in a while the stock jumps a few points and I get a check in the mail. "Hey! I remember this company. I thought it was gonna do big things."

For real, I've had like five serious girlfirends over the past decade and on average I end up making out with one of em every other month or so. They must have some sort of built-in Mike timer that expires every four or five months. "Whaddya know, it's been a few months, I guess it's time to throw another bone at Mike." Yo, I ain't above accepting pity. We can't all be Ill Al. However, I'm proud to say that few of these engagements are initiated by me. They holla at me like I'm a fourth-string quarterback asleep on the bench. "Huh? What? You want me in the game? But I barely even remember how to throw the ball anymore!" Nonetheless, I still wear a uniform and I suppose I am technically a member of the team. So I amble out onto the field all disoriented, take my shots, and manage to run a few successful plays. Once in a while I even manage to find the endzone (God, sports metaphors are easy). Hooray for me!

However, a preponderance of these sessions amount to little more than increasingly complex and furitless endeavors. It's kinda like playing gin with a mirror behind your back. This is because all the bitches in my stable are imbalanced. And not in the fun and reckless way that facilitates the successful navigation of my pirate ship into their pants. No, more like the kind of tendencies one sees in abused lab rats. Even though I'm a good doctor, they see anyone in a white lab coat and they scurry to the back of their cages and bare teeth. What I wanna know is: if they don't want me to bring around the food pellets, then why do they keep pawing at the dispenser bar? I mean I'm happy to do my rounds for the sake of the research but, come on, I got shit to do.

How's that for mixed metaphors.

Sauce 'Em

Shit.

2005-08-09T17:27:00.000-04:00

And visions of Vida's ass, danced in his head(s)

I just spent ten minutes flipping through this glossy lad-mag at the grocery store. You know: Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Tits and Ass Quarterly, etc. Well, this one is like a step below those more venerable publications and devoted solely to the titular chick. V-I-D-A G-U-E-R-R-A. Holy back lot! You could film a blockbuster on that thing. Now I'm depressed. This always happens whenever I'm confronted with the realizatiuon that women like this exist. Pancakes, now would be an ideal time to add those pictures you were talking about.

While the 'cakes is away...

2005-08-09T10:15:00.000-04:00

...k-a-m and Sauce 'em will act like retards.

First, some clarification. I am Michael Danahey, aka Mike D, aka Dana-gay/Dana-fag, aka DNA from The Royal We, aka Midas (only when written poorly in spray paint on Madison walls). My nom de plume for this venture is Sauce 'em. I was scrambling for a catchy handle before my boss sidled up on me and, in my haste, I totally overlooked the obvious confusion arising from my choice. I was in no way intending to ape applesauce's steez or ride on his well-tailored coattails, just drawing a blank. So, as a Samurai-like show of respect, I'll gladly bow the name to his blade if he so chooses. Talk about melodrama.

Last night, k-a-m took his big, bad iTune and slammed it unlubricated into my sweet, virgin iPod like a BullQueer on lockdown. My poor little machine screamed AAAAGGGHHHH!!! 'Saul Good doh. The shit has loosened up now.

Also, we came across an addition to the CP/CK list while perusing eGay. Apparently, after years of hitting the streets of Canada, Avril Lavigne is now a professional skateboarder with her own pro model. Huh? I hate to admit it, but for a minute I kinda had a thing for her. So angry, so jaded, so adorable. Those days have passed, though. It started with her weak Metallica cover during the tribute show and this recent affront pretty much confirms it. Welcome. It's a shame, cuz I like Canadians, but I suppose she can bring Bryan Adams along with her. The Kids in the Hall and Neil Peart from Rush make up for these two however.

In case anyone needs a reminder, Immortal Technique is fucking ILL! Check out Revolutionary Vol. I and Vol. II if you have any doubts. It's like listening to an Amnesty International report over beats.

Ill Al, where ya at? Sorry I've missed hooking up with you guys the last couple times around, but what're ya gonna do? I'm lazy. Also, good to see you're part of the Feingold Army, or as I like to write on bathroom walls, SinnFEINgold. Fein by me. RIP Paul Wellstone, he was down for the cause.

AngryTony, a friend of the program, banged a crazy stripper from Manitowoc on HandsomeDave's lawn this past weekend in full view of about ten people. I missed most of it, but my CSI work turned up some rather disgusting evidence the next morning. Rape 'em.

Word to the herd

Sauce 'em

Wilted flowers

2005-08-08T09:36:00.000-04:00

I really dig the character Bill Murray has morphed into the past several years, especially the way Wes Anderson has used him in his last few films. So I went into Broken Flowers with high expectations. Unfortunately, I found it to be much more this than this.

I'm a big fan of movies with not a lot of plot and very few 'splosions, but this flick draaaaaaaaags entirely too much. It's my understanding that Jarmusch has used sparse dialogue to great effect in previous efforts (I'll admit I'm in arrears on his catalog), however, here it's just boring. There are some very funny parts, especially the frames with Sharon Stone, and the score is top notch. Overall, a very under-whelming experience though. You can safely wait for the DVD.

As long as they spell your name right

2005-08-07T23:05:00.000-04:00

PR'em: your boy gets a shout out over on soul-sides.com and sales go through the roof! Big up to my man O-Dub for the love.